Unless you have lost a baby yourself, you absolutely cannot relate. I had seen others go through miscarriage and thought to myself, "wow, I can't imagine losing a baby. That must be so hard." And I had tried to encourage others and take food, etc., to help as best I knew how. But after my miscarriage, it was so different. When I heard of a friend going through the same devastation, I could not sleep. I was up for hours that night, weeping for her, praying for her, and asking God to show me how I might encourage her through such a difficult time. I share this difference for two reasons:
1. If you have been through a miscarriage, your experience and encouragement is absolutely invaluable to a hurting mother. Please, please, please, don't be afraid to reach out! Even the simplest text can help so much just to know this pain isn't hers alone. One of my friends simply texted me that she was praying for me, that she had walked this road before, and she knew it wasn't easy. Such a short text but it was the first bit of comfort I had gotten and it meant the world to me to know I wasn't the only one who had experienced such pain. I previously had no idea she had experienced a miscarriage and would never have guessed it. But it helped to know someone who had been there was praying for me and had made it through. Another friend had experienced a more recent miscarriage and she was willing to share some details with me about it. I cannot tell you how much it helped just to know I was not alone! There were similarities in our stories and it encouraged me so much to hear hers. Every single person who texted, wrote a note, sent a meal, or called to share in my sorrow was such a blessing.
2. If you have not had a miscarriage, it is honestly going to be difficult for you to know how to actually encourage her verbally, but it is still really nice to know you care. Dropping off a loaf of pumpkin bread or some ham biscuits, offering to take her other kids for a playdate, etc., will all be appreciated. She will be in a deep emotional fog for a while and taking care of basic needs is so helpful! But she probably won't want a meal train set up because it is such a private pain.
There are some things commonly said to women who have had miscarriages that, although said with good intentions, can be quite crushing at the time. Please don't ever tell a grieving mother that she could always adopt or to be thankful for the children God has already blessed her with. Although soon enough she will probably become obsessed with having another baby, at the moment of her loss she is not just grieving "any" baby. The moment she sees that line on the pregnancy test, God fills a mother's heart with such incredible love for that particular baby growing inside her. It is that baby that she is so shocked and devastated to lose and for that baby alone that she grieves. She has already begun to dream of holding that baby and how it would fit into the family. Love and hopes and dreams begin immediately. It doesn't matter how many children you already have or whether you have known about the baby only a day or a week or months.
When I had my miscarriage, I already had 5 absolutely wonderful and healthy children. We weren't even really trying for another baby but as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was so ecstatic and so in love with my new baby. It sounds unbelievable but it is the absolute truth. I only knew my baby for a week before I lost it, but yet the experience was probably the most difficult and heart-wrenching experience I have ever gone though. And yes, in time, my miscarriage did indeed make me so much more thankful for the children I already had because it made me realize what an absolute miracle they were. But at the time of my loss, I simply needed to hear that my baby was a real baby and that it was ok to grieve this baby I had barely known but had loved so fiercely.
It honestly felt ridiculous to be this devastated over a baby I had only just found out about but the emotions and crazy hormones were absolutely undeniable. I am in general a very happy, optimistic person. It is very rare that I feel discouraged or anxious. I believe that is partly my personality and mostly because of my faith and trust in a God who loves me and never fails. However, after I lost my baby, I could do nothing but cry for days. I couldn't sing nursery rhymes or read to my sweet toddler without breaking down. I couldn't even laugh at her adorableness or ridiculousness. I was not myself at all. This was not a lack of faith because I still truly believed that God was good and that He had a reason for us to go through this. This was grief, pure and simple. This was perhaps a slight taste of what postpartum depression must be like. It was hormones and grief wrapped up together in a deep emotional fog that I felt like I could not escape from. After a few days of weeping uncontrollably, I finally just prayed, "God, I don't want to be a sad Mommy. I want to be happy Mommy for my girls and enjoy them again. Please just let me laugh once today." And I did. It was a real laugh, a fleeting glimpse of the joyful person I used to be. But it was the beginning. And the next day, I was able to laugh a bit more, and the next day, I began to sing again. And slowly, with daily encouragement from my friends and answered little prayers that showed me once again of God's amazing love, I gradually came out of my fog and began to feel like my normal self again. I had setbacks, of course, times when I would get emotional and grieve for my baby again. The week of my original due date was particularly difficult. But I never again went back to that emotional fog and my times of despair grew fewer and fewer as the year went on.
I share this story not at all for sympathy, because I do truly believe my miscarriage was part of God's plan and I learned so much and grew so much from it. I share this story because I do not think many people have any idea what a mother goes through during a miscarriage and she truly needs support and needs to know she is not alone and that it is completely normal to grieve a baby she has never met. I share my story to give a grieving mother hope that she will one day again feel like her normal self and to encourage her to share her story with someone else in need.
If anyone is still struggling with grief over the loss of a baby or another loved one, I highly recommend this message my husband preached about hope through suffering right after our miscarriage. It was one of his first times preaching in front of such a large crowd so you can tell he was a little nervous, but it was such a raw and heartfelt message that I really believe it could bring encouragement to those suffering from grief.
(Disclaimer: This is simply my own personal experience and I know others have gone through much worse and respond differently. I simply wrote this to bring awareness to a common but often undiscussed devastation that so many women endure.)
It's a real hurt that many have experienced, but not all know how to put it in words. It is a real grieving process. Thanks for sharing your heart.
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