Great Parenting tips and a plug for a marriage get-a-way

Since we are focusing on moms this month, I thought I would share some great parenting tips from a Mom who recently taught me a lot.  But before I do, I just have to put in a plug for Family Life's Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaways.  Mark and I just attended one last weekend, and it was amazing for us.  We didn't have any major problems in our marriage, but just knew we were exhausted and needed to get away and focus on each other and connect.   I was looking for something fun for us to do in Charlotte (I have to now admit that we chose Charlotte simply because it had the closest IKEA and I'd been wanting to go there for years :) and found the marriage get-a-way and thought it would be a great way to get us to focus on each other.  I mentioned it to Mark and he laughed in my face.  Sitting through a conference was definitely not what he wanted to do on our get-a-way!  So I dropped it.  I told him he could plan whatever he wanted for us.  And two weeks later he brought it up again and said we could do the marriage conference as long as we didn't have to go to every single session.  Ha!  We almost dropped the idea again because of the price, but Family Life people are super nice and will give scholarships based simply on "what you and your husband have decided you can afford." 

Mark and I looked at the schedule and decided which sessions we would attend... some of the sessions sounded very redundant to information we had learned in Seminary so we decided to skip many of them.  We actually only made it to 4 out of 10 sessions but those 4 sessions were indeed invaluable to us.  I'm talking, life-changing, "I feel like we are courting again" type of impact!  (In retrospect, we probably would have learned much in the other sessions as well, but the 4 we attended gave us more than enough to process and work on.)  I expected to get a lot from the conference (being the relationship-oriented, emotional woman that I am), but I was amazed at how much it changed my husband as well.  He didn't even want to go to the conference originally, but has said many times since how glad he was that he went and how he wishes others that we know could go to one as well.

Sorry this has gotten to be such a long plug, but I felt like I really needed to share because it helped us so much.  Since this is a blog specifically for exhausted moms of little ones, I am certain that we are not the only ones who unknowingly settled into "companionship" mode without even realizing it.  We love our kids and the life that we enjoy with them and we truly get along great so we did not even realize that our marriage had become complacent.  Weekend To Remember is a wonderful tool to get the communication flowing in all areas of marriage and God greatly used it to recharge ours!

The wife and mother who spoke at the conference did one session on parenting and she told her top ten tips for kids.  I knew many of them already, but the session was a good reminder and listening to her tips helped me to think about what areas of parenting I need to work on.   It also helped me think more about the future of my kids and our goal in parenting. (I tend to get so caught up in the here and now of the little years that I often forget that we are doing such training so they can be independent but wise and godly teenagers.)  I hope these tips will be helpful to you as well:

1.  Set limits -- kids need limits and they find security in them. 

2.  "We play to an audience on one."  This one was a particularly good reminder for me because I parent very differently than a lot of people I know and I need to stop worrying about what others are thinking about my parenting style.  What matters is that I am in prayer and doing what God has called me to do.  I raise my children for Him, not anyone else.

3.  My job is not to be my child's best friend!  She went on to say that friendship does come later and right now she is enjoying a sweet, sweet friendship with her teenage and college-age kids.  But the little years are for training and instructing in righteousness and much discipline. 

4.  Because of all the boundaries and discipline that come with #3, try to say yes to as many things as you can so that when you do say no, it really means something.

5.  Give them the Biblical reasons behind the rules and limitations -- we do not just want good behavior, but to help them make good decisions in the future!

6.  When you take something away, give them something better -- she gave the example of beach week in the South, where kids always go to the beach and party like crazy for a week after school lets out.  They never let their kids attend beach week, but instead used that week to plan amazing family vacations.

7.  Stay calm and loving in discipline -- you don't want them to think you are disciplining simply because you are mad, but because you love them and are obeying God in training them in righteous living.

8.  The less you react in the moment, the more your kids will come to you with their moments.  If a child comes home and tells you something incredibly shocking that happened in school, if you get all upset and immediately call the principal, the child will probably not choose to confide in you the next time something disturbing happens. 

9.  Focus on unconditional love -- when you discipline, tell them that you are disappointed, that they sinned, but that it does not change your love for them.

10.  Pray that they would get caught!  You will not be with them every moment and will not catch every sin, so pray that they will get caught before their sin grows so they can deal with it and learn from it.  (Sidenote:  my own mother did this and told us that she did and God definitely answered her prayer -- my brother and I never got away with anything!  :)

Creating Easter Traditions

It is hard to believe that Easter is quickly approaching! I love this holiday and want it to be special to my girls and I am trying to start traditions that will keep the focus on Christ. I thought I'd share a few that I have recently found and am considering:

I absolutely LOVE this idea for celebrating Lent with the kids, although for my little ones I might shorten it to just the week before Easter. Here is the blogger's description: "We placed a styrofoam wreath on the table, to be kept during the 40 days of Lent, with a cup of toothpicks nearby. Each night at dinner, those at the table had the chance to confess sin from the day. When they did so, they placed a toothpick in the wreath, symbolizing the thorns in the crown of Jesus on the cross....on Easter morning, before the children awoke, I removed all of the thorns and replaced them with spring flowers!" She also has a delicious looking recipe for sweet potato biscuits you might want to check out!

-- A Resurrection garden -- On Good Friday, take a baking dish and fill it with dirt, rocks, sticks, etc and a hollowed out potato (as a tomb). It makes a great decoration to remind us of Christ's sacrifice. On Easter morning, remove the potato and fill the garden with flowers to demonstrate the life that Christ brought through his death. HERE is a good picture and description of what one family did.

-- Resurrection eggs -- you can easily make your own or buy them at a Christian bookstore or Amazon -- the children crack open an egg each day and a small token corresponds with a Bible passage that explains the resurrection story.

-- Here is a great download for a 12 days of Easter unit to do with little ones. It corresponds to the resurrection eggs.

Benjamin's Box: The Story of the Resurrection Eggs is a great resource to go along with the eggs. My girls have really enjoyed following the story of Benjamin as he learns about Jesus. He gathers the same objects that are contained in the resurrection eggs.

Rocks in the basket -- Fill Easter baskets with rocks to represent your sins... you can write specific sins on the rocks or just say them as you place the rocks in the basket. Then cover the rocks with a red cloth to represent the blood of Christ, talking about Christ's death on the cross and what it meant for us. On Sunday morning you can replace the rocks with flowers representing life or whatever gifts you might wish to give your children on Easter morning and/or place the rocks in a different basket with the name of Jesus written on it to show how Jesus took away their sins.

Color a red dot on your children's palms and write their name on it to remind them that Christ died specifically for them!

This Focus on the Family article gives a special activity for each day of the week leading up to Easter.

Easter In The Garden -- a touching retelling of Easter as seen through a child's eyes

The Legend of the Easter Egg -- teaches the deeper meaning behind the Easter eggs -- a boy learns that just as a chick breaks out of an egg, so had Jesus broken free of the tomb of death. Easter eggs remind us that Jesus conquered death and gives us eternal life.

And just for fun, here are some twists to the traditional egg hunt:

Cascarones -- I love this fun idea of filling real, empty eggs with confetti and allowing the children to race around, smashing them on each other. I suppose it could get out of hand, but I love the avoidance of ridiculous amounts of candy and I think it would make for some fun pictures!

or you could just play this fun Easter Egg Bashing Game :)

It has begun...

Have you been enjoying celebrating the advent? My little ones sure have. I thought that after giving so many fun Christmas ideas in my last post, I should update which ones we are actually doing. I definitely had to narrow down my choices to keep the sweet season of advent simple.

Last year I wanted to do the Jesee tree, but I just didn't get it together in time. But I went ahead and made the ornaments so I would be ready for this year and I was ever so glad that I did! The girls have really enjoyed the Bible stories and putting the ornaments on our tree. I love Ann Voskamp's jesse tree devotional and made the ornaments with her templates, but I also read about a Jesse Tree storybook and decided to purchase it for our girls because I knew they would enjoy the pictures and storyline a bit more. It is about a grumpy old carpenter who is carving a Jesse Tree for a church and a little boy who begs him to tell the story of each carving. The readings are a little long for Karlie, but Karis absolutely loves it.

I really wanted to do an advent calendar with random acts of kindness for each day, but I just didn't have enough time to get it together before December got here. I'm thinking about just setting aside one day each week (probably on our day to run errands) starting with the new year to do a random act of kindness with the girls. I really want them to start thinking about how to be kind to others all the time, not just at Christmas.

I am not a crafty Mama. I really want to be and I really enjoy doing crafts with my girls, but I'm not usually one to plan ahead well in that department. If we have time to do something fun, we usually end up baking! But my Karis loves "making decorations" and the fall season had me scanning Pinterest moments before she woke up, trying to find something to make with what we had on hand. I stumbled upon "Truth in the Tinsel: An Advent Experience for Little Hands" and immediately knew it would be worth the $4.99 to have something all planned out for me, using everyday household items, that would be an easy craft to point back to the story of Christ's birth. And we have loved it! We haven't been able to do our craft every single day due to a busy holiday schedule, but it has still been worth every penny to me.

I have to admit that the most exciting part of my girls' day, however, is probably opening up their daily Christmas book. I was just going to do one book each day, but they were so excited that I just couldn't make one of them wait til the next day. So yes, we will open 50 Christmas books before Christmas. Thank goodness for the library!!!! It is amazing how excited they get when they open a book, even though they might have read the book 50 times last season. What a fun tradition! I found a great list wonderful Christmas books to request at the library HERE.

Demanding and Arguing

My 4.5 year old is an absolute joy! She is the best helper I could ever wish for, she takes great delight in taking care of her little sisters, and her unbelievable imagination just fills my life with laughter. But she seems to have forgotten her manners a little and we are working hard to get her back to where we were just a few short months ago. We have two major issues that we are working on right now and I thought I'd share them and what we are doing to correct them. I'm just going to be honest and I'd love to hear your tips as well!

1. She has forgotten "please." Even before she could talk, Karis signed the word "please" when she wanted something. But lately, she has forgotten it and can be quite demanding. I think she got into the habit because she enjoys telling her little sister what to do so much, but it has transposed into telling adults what to do as well. So we are trying to quickly nip it in the bud. It is amazing how quickly a habit forms when you aren't paying attention and then it is difficult to erase!

Basically, we are refusing to acquiesce when she asks for something in a demanding way. She has to wait 3 minutes and then she may ask again correctly and we will fulfill her request. For example, if she says, "Give me more milk," then I respond, "no, you did not ask respectfully and you can try again in 3 minutes." In the car, she has a habit of wailing from the back of the van, "I can't hear the music!" So we completely turn off the music for 3 minutes and then give her the chance to ask us to turn it up respectfully. It has taken a while for her to remember, but we are definitely seeing progress. She will often start to demand something and quickly cover it up with a "will you please?"

2. She has developed good reasoning ability that has grown to arguing (otherwise known as "too smart for her own good "). Our family has always tried to implement first time obedience with a bit of grace thrown in. (And no, I have not yet read "Give Them Grace," but I would really like to. If you have read it, please comment and share your thoughts!) For instance, if Karis is reading a book and I ask her to go take her clothes to her room, she is allowed to say, "May I please finish this book first?" If she asks respectfully, we are not in a hurry to do something else, and there are not many pages left, I usually allow her to finish. But if I say no, she must immediately get up and do it. This method has worked well for the first 4 years of her life, but now she is taking it a bit to far. I ask her to do something and she says, "Well....." or, "but Mama...!" She usually has great logic that makes me laugh but the core problem is that she is making excuses instead of obeying right away. A lot of times, the things she says she needs to do first are really good things, such as helping Karlie or Abbi with something, but it is still disobedience. And often when I tell her no, that she must obey first, she begins to argue to try to explain why she is right. I don't have any great plan for this issue, other than immediate discipline and to try to always take the time to talk to her and explain why this is biblically a problem and try to reach her heart and pray with her. But boy is it difficult to find the time to do all that when my other two little ones are running around needing me!

Those are the two major parenting issues we are dealing with this week. What about you? I'd love to hear your struggles or advice!

Little Ones LOVE to Memorize!

Ever since Leah F. wrote THIS POST, I have really been wanting to start memorizing larger portions of scripture with my family. We really enjoyed doing our scripture verses last year, and had even more fun with our "questions," but I really wanted my 4-year old to start getting some context for all the random verses that she was learning. And then once I started reading all about Classical Education and how much children actually enjoy memorizing at a young age and how easy it is for them, I decided it was time to start.

We started with Psalm 1 and are now working on Psalm 23. 1Cor. 13 is up after that. I'm hoping to choose longer and longer passages each time and eventually be able to memorize a whole book without forgetting the ones we initially learned.

We have started adding one more line of scripture each night during our bedtime routine of singing, Bible stories, and prayer. I am blogging about this on our family blog to kind of keep me accountable in doing this with my family... hopefully we will be able to post a new video every other week or so of a new chapter of Scripture learned.

I have been amazed at how quickly little ones memorize scripture... they actually do better than Mark and I and are constantly correcting us when we make a mistake! This is a video of them saying Psalm 1 -- you will notice that they are much more familiar with the 1st part because we have said it so often, and they still need some cues for the last part. But that is ok, because each night that we say it, they remember more and more! Oh and the best part is that they really enjoy it! And at random times during the day, I will hear Karlie tell her My-na baby, "how blessed is the man..." Today Karis was reciting it as she was using the potty. Oh, how I love to hear God's word on the lips of my girls! It both blesses me and rebukes me because I wish it were on my mind more often!

I'd love to hear about your family's Scripture memory – what tips do you have for memorizing longer passages with your children and what chapters have been most beneficial to your family to learn?

Our nightly routine

A friend recently asked about our nightly routine with the girls and I thought I'd share it here: after getting on pajamas, we sing songs together. We started doing it because we wanted to teach the girls hymns, but it has kind of evolved into somewhat of a dance session for the girls to get out all of their energy My toddler usually spins around in circles and my 4 year old tries to be a ballerina. We take turns picking a song and they can choose any song they want, from Hymns to silly preschool songs. Then we do our memory work. We are currently working through a Questions and Answers book that is a kid's catechism. Then we do Scripture memory. We were doing large chunks of scripture, but we decided to take a break and do a cute ABC scripture booklet I found on Pinterest. Then we calm down by reading a Bible Story together. The absolute best Bible I have found for little ones is the Big Picture Story Bible. Last, we pray together and give silly kisses. My husband picks a different animal or character each night and they give that kind of kiss to everyone.

Now, when I write it out like this, it sounds like we do a ton, but we actually keep it very short and simple. We don't spend a long time on any of it. Probably the most time is spent on the singing because that is what the girls enjoy the most. We kind of play it by ear and see how tired they are and what is keeping their attention each night to determine how long we work on the questions or bible verses. The main thing is to have a routine that they enjoy and look forward to each night and they will learn from it. My suggestion would be to simply start singing a song or two and reading a short chapter from the Big Picture Story Book. Then as she gets used to looking forward to a routine, you can slowly bring in the memorization as a super special and fun addition. But she's still pretty young. I think I didn't even think to try memorizing much with mine til she was about 2.5 years.

Keeping Christmas Simple and Christ-Focused

I really appreciated Leah's post on "What do you want for Christmas?" because it very closely echoes my heart as well. We undoubtedly want Christmas to be about Jesus' s birth, not about the presents. I'll admit, though, that I absolutely love the Christmas season and have so many traditions that I want to do with my girls just because they are fun. And some of those have nothing to do Christ's birth. So I thought I'd share just a little about how our little family tries to keep a balance and keep the focus on Christ.

--- We make a big deal about the Christmas story and read it often. We request every book at the library that deals with the nativity and read them together (over and over :) and discuss them. Some that my girls have particularly enjoyed are: "Mortimer's Christmas Manger," "Room for a Little One," and "Who is Coming to Our House?" We also read each version of the Christmas story in all of our different children's Bibles. This has been a lot of fun for the girls and they both LOVE any book they can find that has Mary and Baby Jesus in it. I have also tried to extend the story so that they get more background, including Zechariah and Elizabeth, and Anna and Simeon.

--- I try to ask them regularly, "why do we celebrate Christmas?" (Because it is Jesus's birthday!) My Mom usually does a "Happy Birthday Jesus" cake that Karis looks forward to decorating and eating. Like Leah, we don't talk about getting presents, (and they have no idea that they will be receiving any!) but we do discuss giving presents to others because it is kind and just like the wise men gave gifts to Jesus. My girls get very excited about giving presents to Daddy and wrapping presents for their cousins. Karis has even come up with some ideas for giving to others all by herself! She was bound and determined to take cookies to our next door neighbor and pestered me about it until I finally made time to do it! They have been thoroughly confused the few times people have asked them what they want for Christmas and were so surprised and delighted this Sunday when some sweet members of our church brought them some small gifts :) I am sure that as they get older and start to remember Christmas morning at the grandparents' each year, then it will be harder to keep the focus on Jesus's birthday and giving, but that will definitely continue to be our goal each year.

--- My husband and I have decided to keep our little family gift exchange very simple to avoid distracting the girls from the real reason for celebrating. We just give them a book (usually the next level of Bible that Karis is ready for) and a CD (because our girls absolutely LOVE Christmas music and it is really hard for them when we put it up for the year!) Last year we got them The Big Picture Story Bible and the Songs for Saplings CD:Questions With Answers. This year we are giving them The Children's Everyday Bible and Seeds of Praise CD. We also do simple stocking stuffers of things they need (like a new toothbrush, socks, gloves, etc.) and something fun (this year it is fingernail polish for Karis and play dough for Karlie). Now I have to be honest with you and let you know that the girls end up getting spoiled rotten at their Grandparents' houses, with lots of presents and super fun stockings, but they get spoiled there pretty much anytime they go visit so it doesn't take away from the season too much... they just see it as the fun of being at the grandparents' houses!

--- We have presented Santa to our girls as something fun and "pretend" that people like to talk and sing about around Christmas time, much like Frosty the Snowman. Next year I plan to get some books about St. Nicholas and try to delve into the historical tradition a little more, but for now, Karis has been happy to see Santas everywhere and just know that it is a fun story people like to read and sing about during the winter time. When she gets a little older, I'm sure I will have to discuss with her about the fact that some children actually believe the stories and that she shouldn't spoil their fun by telling them it is just pretend, but it hasn't been as issue for us yet :) She views Santa more as a decoration than anything else.

--- Have any of you done the Jesse Tree for Advent with your children this year? I didn't have it together this year and just now got all my ornaments made, but it is something that I am very excited about doing with my girls next year. Basically, each day you read a passage from the Bible and place an ornament on the tree --Each ornament represents a different story, starting at the beginning of Creation and working all the way to the coming of Christ Jesus. Each reading shows how all the Old Testament points towards the coming of Christ as the Messiah.

Being Intentional with the Bible (for both myself and the kids)

The girls and I have a "Bible Time" every morning on the couch. I had always thought we would do devotions before bed every night, but it always got too late and the girls were tired and fussy and not able to focus. So instead we switched to singing before bed and Bible time in the morning. This has just worked so much better for our family!

At night, we sing a combination of hymns (such great theology in most hymns!) and fun Bible songs.

We have our Bible Time before we get started with our chores for the day. We usually go outside to play first thing in the morning (before it gets too hot!) and then come inside grab our water bottles and settle on the couch for our Bible time. The girls have gotten all their wiggles out and can really focus well. Our Bible Time consists of:

1. "Questions" -- I recently got this "Catechism For Young Children" set from Doorposts and we have really enjoyed it! I make a game out of asking Karis questions each morning and she uses a fake microphone to answer. I love the great theological foundation these questions lay for her and you would be amazed at how often she brings them up in random conversation.

2. Scripture Memory -- Right now we are going through the verses listed in My 1st Book of Memory Verses. We usually go over 2 verses that we learned previously and then repeat a new verse several times. I usually make the scripture into a song, rhyme, or rap, and often add hand motions to make it more interesting and easy for Karis to remember.

3. Bible Stories -- We have several children's bible story books and I usually just let Karis choose a few to read for the day. My personal favorite for her age is The Big Picture Story Bible, but there are many that she enjoys. Sometimes we read them for a half hour, and other days we only read 1 story. I want her to enjoy the time so right now I base it totally on her interest and how Karlie is doing entertaining herself. (Karlie usually starts off reading with us, but can't sit still as long as Karis and ends up doing puzzles after a little bit.) We just started "loosely" following the Bible reading plan on ABC Jesus Loves Me and I usually also teach them a song or two about whatever story we are focusing on for the week.

For Myself: This week is also about sharing ideas to help Moms be more intentional with the Bible and I have to be completely honest; I struggle in this area. I am much better at being intentional with my kids! I try to have my Bible Time in the morning before the girls get up, but if they randomly get up earlier than usual, my time is cut short. And I have a hard time finding any other time in my day. I am not one who can study at night because I just fall asleep :)

The heart of a child...

We were incredibly blessed last week to get some AMAZING deals on some new (to us) toys for the girls at a a great consignment sale in town. The girls have had a blast playing with them and it has made for a very fun week! However, I was immediately reminded of the sinful nature of a child as my sweet two-year old decided that all these toys were her toys and not Karlie's. Karlie would try to pull up on the slide or lion chair and Karis would immediately push her down. This is really the first time that Karis has shown any meanness towards her sister and it saddened me. She usually finds great joy in chasing Karlie around the house and showering her with toys, trying her hardest to make Karlie laugh. But alas, my sweet girl is a sinner just like her Mama and we've had to teach her a lot about sharing this week.

Honesty has been an issue recently as well. Like any 2-year old, Karis hates to stop playing to use the potty. She never has accidents; she has the most amazing control and would rather just hold it for ten hours. But I just don't see how that is good for her so I ask her every couple of hours if she needs to go potty. The answer is always "no." And since the rule is that she stays in the bathroom until she goes, sometimes she will try to convince me that she has already gone so that she can get up quickly. So we 've had to talk about honesty a lot lately.

Needless to say, these issues have been on my heart lately and I've spent some time praying for God to prick her little consience. I can talk to her and discipline her as much as I want, but I know that if God doesn't do a work in her little heart, all my efforts will be in vain. And today, I was blessed to see a little answer to my prayers!

I had left the girls playing together in the living room for just a second to check on dinner in the oven. I heard Karlie start to wail and ran back to see what had happened:
Me: Karis, did you do something to make Karlie cry?
Karis: no
Me: Do you know why Karlie is crying?
Karis: no
(at this point I decided not to press the issue since I didn't know what had happened. I turned around to take Karlie in the kitchen with me and heard ever so softly and sadly, "I pushed her." I looked at Karis and asked her again to be certain, "Karlie is crying because you pushed her?" She somberly nodded and said, "I pushed her and she fell down." Then she kissed Karlie and said, "I'm sorry Karlie."

Thank you, Lord, for pricking her heart and making her want to tell the truth regardless of the consequences!